sun

it's Sunday. I woke up because of loud bike driving by. It made me
want to move more. I checked the news and facebook and left apartment.
Now I am in cafe. For some reason I felt like I need to leave. Being
alone in there is kinds lonely, you feel like the air is heavy or
something. Like there is some negative energy there. And granny is
coming in from church soon with her usual after church requests to help
her with something. I hate talking to her because I feel shitty all
day afterward. She is so difficult to talk to. She never thinks about
making a conversation easy for another listener. It's so exhausting. We
were going to meet with some guy from match.com, but he said he could
not come because he had plans and set up for a later date. I left her
a note about that and left because I don't want to hear her usual
complains about life and how sad she is.

Every time we go somewhere she talks how American and Asian women are
bad and how Ukrainian good to try to convince me to marry a Ukrainian.
I ignored her until one incident. We went to her doctor and there was
a sexy cutie who liked me. I liked her too. She was standing right
behind me in the queue and I wanted to talk to her, but my granny
started to ask me questions without stopping. It's her trick to
deflect my attention from cutie who I like and she doesn't. This made
me realize that she manipulated me all along. And it worked a little -
I started to look at women more negative. When we left the hospital I
hinted that I liked that cutie. She said "ah, she is a shark". She
looked normal to me. She had some tough features but I like it because
I like strong and independent women. I said to granny that I liked
sharks because what better to have a weak small Asian chick who wants
me to support her because she is weak and small. She said that strong
women cheat men too. I ask how. She didn't know but said somehow. Then
she started to talk again how good Ukrainian chicks are. I said so
what every time I wanna fuck I need to buy a $1,000 ticket to Ukraine?
An I need to fuck at least once a week, so I should spend $4,000 per
month because no woman in America is good enough? I hinted this way
that I need a woman to fuck not to marry so that she stops
brainwashing. She said she didn't know what to do. I was mad at her
for manipulating me to being single and lonely that I said to not to
talk about women to me any more, put on my headphones and didn't
listen to her all the way back home. One time she said that maybe I
should become a lover of the women who gives her facials. But she was
married. Her and my brother said that dating a married woman is
perfect for me because they will not chest me into marriage. My
brother dates a married woman. I don't feel it's right. Besides
ethical reasons, I don't want to to kiss someone who has just been
kissed by another man. I also want love.

This incident made me move out even more and I don't regret doing it
like I did before. She saved up 20k after working in the USA so she
will survive on her own. She either starts learning English, ask my
brother to help her or moves to Ukraine. The pension there is huge,
she will live there happily ever after in her 3 story mansion. Yes,
she is quite rich. She has a huge mansion. 1st floor has 4 rooms,
second 4 rooms too, and the basement has 5 smaller rooms. Each floor
has a toilet. 2 floors have bathrooms. And there's even a small
garden in the back with 2 trees. So she is set. Besides this she has
a huge country side property with garden - apples, pears, plumps,
nuts, cherries. She will survive. Why should I live with her. Yeah,
living here is better for her because she is with us, in America. She
secretly like America more than Ukraine. Tasty food, especially
seafood, safety, cleanliness. But she says Ukraine is better. And
wants me to move to Europe. I am too lazy for that. Anyway, why should
I live with her and help her. Yes, I am happy by not being alone and
saving a few hundreds on rent, and she is happy to have a free
translator and consultant, but there is negative for me - her
brainwashing about women and not letting me to hook up with them. And
I don't like this negative. I rather pay a few dollars to not to have
this, and not to have to waste my time on helping her anyway. If I
leave her I am sir my brother will help her. She made him an official
owner of her mansion and the country side property last time they were
in Ukraine, so I'll let him to work for her if she loves him so much
LOL. I remember one time I had fight with her and didn't want to
translate something for her and to my desbiliefe my brother translated
stuff for her, and he hates translating. So I am sure that have some
agreement, verbally or intuitively that if I leave, my brother will
help her. So I am not worried about her. That mansion and the
countryside cost about a million dollars, so for that price I am sure
my brother can help her a few times a week with translation LOL. If
not she can always go back to Ukraine which she loves so much.

This realization made me a little sad, because I've realized that she
doesn't care much if I leave her, because she has been pushing me
around more and more, while my brother is coming closer to graduation
from the university. He cannot help her much now because he studies
full time and works full time. But he graduates in 2009. This
realization made me feel sad and lonely, because it made me feel again
like I am not part of the family. Everyone in my family behaved like I
was not part of the family, like I was inferior to them, granny,
mother and even brother. Until the time when they realized that
programmers earn much in USA and I was studying to be a programmer.
But it was mostly acting. I mean, would you love and care about people
who abused you for 20 years until they found out that they could use
me and decided to play nice?

Anyway. Let me sell my extra shit that I should have not baught in the
first place and move out to a quieter location far from the abusers. I
actually bought into their pretensions that they loved me and thought
I was a part of their family for a while. But I see that it was like
before. I guess that's right what they say - people don't change. If I
am not useful to them they abuse me, if useful - manipulate into
helping them by pretending they care about me.

Btw, I joined toastmasters per my manager's advice for career growth. During the fisrt talk I was given an assignment to talk for 1 minute about what I would say to a swan and what the swan would reply back. I said I would ask him if he was ugly as a child, because the ugly duckling story says that you were. He would say no, it all lies, I was very cute. I would ask him to who his childhood photos to be sure. Then I would ask him to swim around so that I could take his photos to compare with the childhood photos and see if he was cuter then then now. I know it sounds a little weird, as ducks dont make photos, but look, ducks dont talk, OK, so if we are allowed to break this rule then let's break the rule of ducks not having cameras lol.

I think they enjoyed it. I did, becuase I like to share my thoughts and point of view. This blog made me want it. See, what you did doc, now everyone will know I am weird and will lough at me. No, I am kidding, I like it, because I consider it eccentricity, not weirdness. If some people are so close minded as to call me weird, then its their problem.